If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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