Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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