I wanna bring you to show and tell
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
