The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
