Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
