I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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