Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
