see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
