There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
