Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
