Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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