Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think your dad took our porno
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
