So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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