a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
