There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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