I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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