What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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