she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
