did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
