Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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