drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
