Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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