New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
