I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
