i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she looked like the before picture.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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