Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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