Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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