I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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