I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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