Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
