I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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