i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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