I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
