guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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