Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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