My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
