Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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