Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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