I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
