pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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