I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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