The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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