I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You have to summon your inner elephant
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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