just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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