I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
