Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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