If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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