My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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