i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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