He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
