I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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