We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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