I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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