This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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