i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
a search helicopter?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
