he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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