I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
