Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
