I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
